The Very Secret Diary of Isabella Swan
by LovelyTomorrow
Summary: Bella finally understands the horrors Edward was afriad she would see in the capable hands of the Volturi.
1. day four, twilight

The Very Secret Diary of Isabella Swan

Summary: Bella finally understands the kind of horror Edward is afraid she'll find in the world of vampires.

Warning: Some intense situations, really best if your at least a teenager

AN: I know the summary's a bit vague, Bella explains the situation herself rather elequently, so I'll allow her...

Please, enjoy...

day four, twilight

no one's here. or at least i can't hear anyone, which i guess isn't much of an indication, but i need to put something down on paper so that i don't go insane. more insane, i mean. said paper was left for me by my captors, so it's probably some sort of trap. i can't care, though. im tired of playing mind games. i gave them my surrender after the first night, the first incision, the first kiss. its not as if anyone thought i would do anything different. im only human. human weakness penetrates every shallow, whimpering breath. everyone expected me to crumble and crumble i have. how hurtful realization can be. so, if my captors intend to read this to themselves and have a good chuckle, then fine. at least someone will be enjoying themselves.

four days i've been here now. of course it feels like four millennia, but what can you do? i can count the days based on the tiny window at the top of my cage. i can't reach it to look out of, but i can tell when the sun is rising and setting.

i'm bleeding a lot. it helps to lay on the floor, because it's cold and numbs some of the pain. the crying hasn't stopped yet, but it's getting better. i don't think my captors intend to kill me, because, if they did, i would have been dinner by now. no, no, i'm not meant to be food. i'm meant to be a toy.

i can't pretend that it doesn't cut anymore. to see his face, hear his voice, feel his touch, and to know that he is going to hurt me--it's becoming more and more unbearable. but at least now i know it's not him. that was hard, the first few times, but i understand now. it's a trick, a special talent. i can see now why alec is so useful to the volturi. it's an incredible talent. i guess in life he was a good impersonator or something. maybe he was a stand up comic who did different voices and people were astonished at how much he sounded like other people. i don't know how old he is, but its probably older than i can easily comprehend.

the thing that's killing me though, is that i'm not alone. there's an old friend here; that's why alice hasn't seen me and my family hasn't burst in to rescue me. i think they lied to him. jacob wouldn't have done this to me if he'd known all the details. at least i hope he wouldn't. i haven't seen him since that first night, but i know he's close. i've heard him howl a few times. i hope they're not hurting him.

i don't know whether i should keep hoping that someone will find me. on the one hand, it seems like the right, healthy thing to do, in order to keep myself from falling apart completely. however, it is also the thing that makes my heart swell every time i see that beautiful face come swooping into my room, looking all concerned and worried, saying that he's been looking for me everywhere, and holding me close and kissing me gently, and promising that he's going to take me home, and that he loves me, and then he bites, and he stabs, and he pulls and rips and breaks. my stupid heart keeps thinking that one of these times, it's going to be him. really him. really edward. god, how i miss saying his name. i don't say it anymore when he comes in. i won't give alec any ammo. i just stay quiet, let him do what he wants, then i cry until i'm asleep--or, unconscious, at least.

it hurt the most when he raped me, which i guess isn't surprising. so, kudos, alec, that really sucked. top notch torture. really, top notch. that was the second night. he had said, 'bella, i love you so much. i can't wait any longer.' and i had tried to push him off. he didn't budge. and i cried and screamed. and i heard jake howl. and i screamed and cried. then he bit me. then i blacked out, i think. because the next morning i was alone.

carlisle's voice is at my, big, heavy, black door. i know it isn't him. he's asking very politely if he can come in. my god, it sounds just like him. i know it'll look just like him too. he was carlisle for a little while last night, too. he had needles. i'm sure he'll tackle alice and emmett and jasper and the rest of them. all in good time.

there's a gun in the corner of the room. it's fully loaded, safety off. they want to see if i'll use it. they want me to break. they want me to die, but they don't want to kill me. im a test, an experiment, a lab rat. maybe they plan to kill me when they get bored with me. maybe theyll make me one of them. aro seemed to show a distinct interest in that the last time i visited. but i havent seen any of aro or any other member of the volturi for that matter. i only know where i am because i could hear the friendly welcome, "welcome to the city of volterra." then the screams.

no more time to write now. carlisle's coming in.

AN: more chapters are ready. let me know if you'd like to see them!


	2. day twentysix, morning

Wow, I actually got some response by way of Story Alerts. Way cool, thanks guys. Here's chapter two...

day twenty-six, morning

too tired to cry. feel like its a saturday. dont know why. heard jake all last night. nothing now. maybe i was dreaming. forgetting words. need to remember. keep sanity. legs are broken. hurts to crawl. stay still. feel like i will decay soon. food is drugged. refuse to eat. decaying. can feel my rib. i kiss him like i love him. it helps for a moment. im sorry. im so, so sorry. no one to apologize to. hes given up. im dead. im decaying. gun is too far away. thank god. i would not be able to stop myself. trying to become a shell. trying. he was emmett yesterday. brute strength. he's stronger. edward's faster. the name is neutral. its his now. i won't use it. its never victoria. thought it would be. only good guys. even charlie. even billy. even mom. hand hurts. no more writing.

day thirty

remember:

mr. darcy

eustacia vye

willy loman

captain ahab

dolores haze

clyde griffiths

oryx

patrick bateman

catherine earnshaw

jay gatsby

tom joad

winston smith

alex delarge

romeo montague

robert jordan

edward cullen

AN: So, Bella's brain is slightly deteriorating. Someone should really find her soon...


	3. September 20th, 3:36 AM

AN: Very cool that people are giving me reviews. I love reading them! ...So, okay, someone had to find her, so now she's found. But this is far from the end of the stroy. I just figured out the rest of it, so give me time between updates, cause none of it is written yet. But, hey, keep reading and enjoying...

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September 20, 2007

3:36 AM

I'm in stable condition now. Since they found me, I've been sleeping a lot and crying even more. Edward tried to explain what happened, at least the parts I hadn't figured out all on my own. The Volturi had me; Alec was my torturer; it was only a warning. All these answers had me pretty calm, except for the one about that old friend. 'We don't know,' he told me, looking mournful, 'We didn't see him. We'll keep looking.' I don't believe him. I don't think they're going to look for Jake. They're all much too concerned for me.

Both my legs were broken, but they healed incorrectly, so Carlisle had to re-break them. I was asleep for that, but I felt it when I woke up. I missed Jake intensely, but didn't say anything. I've got all these cuts and bruises all over. Edward and Carlisle are the only one's who'll touch me at all. I keep meaning to tell Edward how proud I am that he can do that, but it never seems like the right time. I haven't really talked with Edward. I'm afraid I'll start crying, and then he'll look guilty, and then I'll feel guilty and cry more. It's a bad cycle. It's better to just keep quiet. He hasn't asked to talk to me.

I'm nineteen since a week ago. No one's had the guts to throw me a 'Happy Birthday.' Not even Emmett. It's rather sobering, that. Everyone's afraid they'll scare me or hurt me or make me cry. It's not an unlikely fear on their part. Every time Edward kisses me, or Carlisle sticks a needle in me, or Alice so much as smiles--the tears become hard to fight.

Edward didn't say anything about the wedding, either. Maybe he thinks I wouldn't notice. I missed our wedding. It was supposed to be five weeks ago. I was supposed to wear the dress Alice picked out for me and tell the world that I picked Edward. I picked vampire. I picked death. I missed it.

He's finally hunting--Edward, that is. It took a good deal of convincing from the whole clan. Carlisle promised to keep a close watch on me. He comes in every five minutes to check on me. Rosalie is in the waiting room. Emmett and Jasper are stationed outside--Jasper a good deal away from the hospital, scent's apparently really strong around here. Esme is sitting just outside my room with Alice. They're supposed to be letting me sleep.

I'm having some trouble with that. The sleeping. It's rather unnerving to close your eyes and trust that the exact sight you left will still be there when you open them. I can't remember how I used to do it. It seems like another lifetime. Another person.

We're still in Italy, which is pretty disturbing, but Carlisle says I'm not well enough for any big travel plans. As soon as I am, though, we're off to Alaska. I'm not going to get to say goodbye to Forks, not in the way I planned, anyway. With me missing for so long, the hope is that my case will eventually go cold, so that the Cullens don't have to fake my death. They did give me the option of returning to Forks, but I thought it would be too difficult to explain my return, then quick departure. Still, though, I can't help but feel terrible that Charlie and Mom will keep some hope alive that I'll come back, and that I promised Charlie a goodbye. Maybe we could stage a sort of note that doesn't have to be signed, from me, so that he can get some kind of closure.

The Volturi are still angry with me, because I'm not a vampire. As far as they're concerned, until that happens, anything they do to me is fair play. As horrifying as that truly, truly is to me, I can't find the eagerness in my heart that I once had to join the legions of the undead. It doesn't mean I won't do it, but I'm not going to pressure Edward or anyone else to move along with the process. I'd really prefer it if they took their sweet time. I don't want to be a monster until all of this is safe in the past.

Rosalie came in to talk to me earlier, around dinner, and told me that she was impressed with my restraint. That, put in that situation, she would not have been able to stick it out as long as I did. I was confused when she left, until I remembered the gun. The jump of memory made my heart spike and Carlisle and Edward burst in, concerned. That's when they said I needed to sleep, and Carlisle put some kind of drug in my IV. It wore off a little while ago, and I begged him for some time to write before he gave me more. He agreed with a sad smile and a playful warning about never mentioning this to Edward. His warning wasn't needed. I don't mention much of anything to Edward anymore.

I think I've actually made myself tired. I'll let Carlisle drug me when he comes in. Maybe it'll be easier this time.

* * *

AN: What's to come? Well, I don't know about you, but I'm dying to know what exactly happened to Jacob Black. Don't think for a second that I've forgotten about him. And what about Bella and Edward? Are they still getting married? Will she still become a vamp? And what about that other condition? Eesh, so many questions... 


	4. September 30, 5:45 PM

AN: Hey, guys. Next entry. I decided to tell you exacly how Bella found herself in the Volturi's clutches. Now that I understand where exactly this story's going, I think I'll be able to update somewhat frequently. Just so you know, it is going to be Bella/Edward shippy, but Jacob will be a **major** factor. Enjoy...

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September 30, 2007

5:45 PM

I started therapy today. Not physical therapy; that's been happening for a long time. It's not very exciting, so I didn't think I would mention it. Edward holds me up while I try to put pressure on my legs, and everyone gets all excited when I can stand on my own for a second before collapsing like a rag doll. It's really not worthy of talking about.

But today, I started the other therapy. The mental therapy. The one they send crazy people to. Even Carlisle and Edward admit that it's completely useless, seeing as I can't be honest with my therapist about what happened and have to constantly watch what I'm saying, but they couldn't come up with a very good reason why a victim such as me did not need share with someone about their experience. Too suspicious.

It's only annoying to me, because of the language barrier. They got me someone who speaks English well-enough, but doesn't understand it hardly at all. He's a nice guy. He keeps apologizing when he asks me to explain what something I said means. He wants to help. It's commendable, I guess.

Anyway, the first thing he had me do was explain to him exactly what happened the night of my abduction. I told him my attacker sent his dog out to bite me and while I was trying to escape from the canine's teeth, he grabbed me from behind and drugged me.

...This is not exactly correct...

I was coming home from Port Angeles. I'd spent the day with Angela. I was freaking out about the wedding being so soon, and she said I needed a day off from all of that. She was right. We'd had a great day. She'd bought this ridiculous hat and promised to wear it to the ceremony to get me to relax.

The Cullens were all hunting, now that all the danger of Victoria and the newborns was behind us. They'd gone pretty far to get that exotic game they like so much. Of course, Edward had Alice keeping an eye on me, just in case. There was a sort of understanding that if Alice couldn't see me, that the werewolves were with me and, therefore, I was safe. I was comfortable with this plan, not hating a vacation from Alice's constant wedding jabber.

So, on my way home, Cullen-less, I was listening to a new CD I'd bought. Angela said it was one of her favorites. I'd heard the first song before and liked it--sounded very Edward-y, actually, so I bought it. There was a weirdly haunting song on when the streetlight above my truck went off--just blanked out, like it was on a timer or something. I kept going, finding it a little strange, but not enough to get out and yell for Edward (cause you know he'd come). Then, the next one went off, then the next one--right as my truck passed them.

It was about then that I noticed that my truck was literally the only vehicle on the road, which wasn't that strange, because it was after nine and everyone in Forks was most-likely in bed, but still, a little disconcerting. I tried to push the speed a little bit, getting kinda freaked out in general. Of course, my truck did not like that idea and started to flash its little lights at me. Check Oil, Service Engine Soon, BRAKE, even the low windshield wiper fluid symbol was light up. I just sighed and slowed down and started talking to my truck, "I know, baby. Just get me home in one piece. I know it's hard. Please, just push for me. Just a little bit more."

Then, everything was very fast. As another streetlight flicked off as I passed it, something jumped right in front of my truck. I only got a quick glance at it, but it wasn't human. It had four legs, indefinitely. I immediately tried to swerve out of the way, but it was too big for me to miss. With a huge crash, I plunged into the animal, which I now know was a werewolf.

The impact was too much for my truck to withstand, and it collapsed on top of me. I was actually okay, thanks to my seatbelt and airbags, but was really dizzy and frozen with shock. I could barely see when "Edward" came over to my door and scooped me out like it was nothing. "Bella, are you alright?" he asked. "Edward?" I barely slurred. "Shh," he crooned, laying a gentle hand over my eyes. "It's okay, Bella. You'll be okay." Just before I lost consciousness, I heard Jacob growling fiercely, wildly, almost painfully. I remembering hoping that I hadn't hurt him, but trusting that if I had, it was nothing that Carlisle couldn't handle.

I understand a lot more of it now. They had Jake before they had me. They'd somehow forced him into the middle of the road to make me crash. Edward said my truck was nowhere to be found, so I guess they cleaned that up. Alice couldn't see anything dangerous, because she couldn't see anything once Jake was involved. It was a brilliant plan.

I said that in therapy, too. That it was a brilliant plan. Of course it was more of a joke, when I said it there, seeing as the plan I'd told him about had been concieved in my brain moments before. He didn't understand the phrase. I said it wasn't important, but he insisted and looked it up. "Ah," he said, "Progetto brillante!" He was very proud of himself. I'm not quite sure he got it.

* * *

AN: Alright, so now that we know that the Volturi had there hands on poor Jacob even before they had Bella, what exactly did they do to him? Well, I can't tell you that, yet. But Bella's gonna ask...


	5. October 2, 12:35 PM

AN: Uh, oh. It's angry Bella. In case you're wondering, Helen of Troy (you know, the face that launched a thousand ships, started the Trojan War), was the love child of Zeus and a mortal after Zeus took the form of a swan and raped a woman. Cause, you know, he was bored? Ooh, and if you're really confused as to why I would tell you that...there's a reference to it below. It seemed...relevant...?

* * *

October 2, 2007 

12:35 PM

I want to find Jake. I want to rip these tubes and wires out of me and find him to make sure he is okay. "We're still looking," is all Edward will tell me. I'm furious! He isn't looking at all. He isn't doing anything except moping around like a five year old who didn't get the wedding he was promised. It's like he wants me to apologize--like I somehow had anything to do with what happened. God, damn it, Edward Cullen! I have never been so upset with you! And I won't say a thing, because all of this is merely my supposed perception. Should I say something, he'll tell me that none of it is warranted and throw some ridiculously foreign-sounding medical jargon at me to make me think I'm crazy.

They hurt him. I know they did. They did something to Jacob Black and then sent him away so the Cullens could find me. Those God damned Volturi! I want to retaliate! I want to nuke the hell out of their whole freaking city! I want to make them scream out in pain and anguish and give them a gun and make them suffer!

And yet I can't touch them. No one can touch them. They're like Gods and the rest of us, mere mortals. They can just take the form of a swan and rape a young girl to spawn a bitch whose vanity would kill millions of men, and what do they get it return? Thanks and praise and adoration! Damn them! Damn them! Damn them!

* * *

AN: Okay, so, angry rant over. I know people are gonna have problems with some of the things Bella just said about our beloved Edward. Let me just remind you that we often times take things out on the ones we love and that Bella is very upset right now and is placing her rage on the person she loves the most. It's okay. I promise... 


	6. October 3, 4:30 AM

AN: Okay, so, end of this three-part update, but this entry's kinda on the longer side. Quite a bit is covered in this one. Hope you like it...

* * *

October 3, 2007 

4:30 AM

I talked to Edward. I was so upset when he came in that I just screamed at him for a good half hour while he frowned at me and listened. I told him that I wanted to find Jake and that I don't trust that he's looking for him, and then, that I was tired of feeling guilty around him and wanted to be able to talk to him again. I cried through most of it, but he seemed to listen through the tears.

When I was done, he sat down calmly on the edge of the bed and took my hand. His main focus was how horrible he felt that he'd made me feel guilty about anything. He said he's been distant, because he feels like I don't want to be around him anymore and if he gives me a chance to talk to him, I'll tell him I want to leave him, and he simply couldn't bare that. I didn't say anything.

Then, his face got very sad, and he said that Jasper and Emmett had, indeed, been searching high and low for Jacob and had not found him. Emmett called Sam, who said they hadn't heard anything from Jake since August when he apparently ran away. Carlisle asked the Volturi, who simply said he was means to an end -- a fun toy to play with, not political, like me. Edward promised he would keep me firmly in the loop.

I kissed him, then. It had been a long time since I had initiated such a move. He was surprised and hesitant. I told him I loved him, and he smiled and reciprocated. Then, we kissed a lot. My heart spiked a bunch of times, and he kept chuckling every time the monitor would beep irregularly. He reached over and closed the door, so no one would come in, concerned. Eventually, he broke away from me and smiled a big, goofy, teeth-bared smile and said, "I thought you needed time."

I shrugged and let him hold me all night. For a while, we watched TV; there was a Top Chef marathon. He kept promising that he could make every dish the chefs made better than they could. To which I would laugh each and every time, and his smile would get a little bit bigger. Then, he turned out the lights and read to me from Alice's issue of Cosmo, in an effort to get me to fall asleep, but his smooth, velvety rendition of "Find the Hair Hue That Expresses You" and "The Top 14 Sex Moves You Didn't Think Were Possible" had me gasping for breath I was laughing so hard. He promised to bring something of more substance for tomorrow and asked me to close my eyes while he sang to me. Yes, that's right--sang. Not hummed, like he usually does. He sang. I finally got to hear the words to my lullaby, along with a bunch of sweet old songs that I'd bet were played in phonographs, once upon a time.

I woke up a little while ago, because of a nightmare. It wasn't anything exciting, blood, torture, Volterra. But Edward was beaming at me when I woke up. He was proud that I'd gotten to sleep on my own and stayed that way for almost the whole night. Alice was there when I woke up, and the three of us talked for a while. Alice said that with the progress I was making, we'd be leaving for Alaska soon. Of course, I asked her what exactly 'soon' meant, and she gave me a little smile with a wink before Edward could cut in with his whole, "Don't get your hopes up. Alice's visions are never one hundred percent."

"A week," she cut him off. I must have perked up, because she put a hand up. "But he's right. Everything's subject to change. Don't get excited, yet."

Emmett talked to Katrina in Alaska and says that the Denali clan is ready for us whenever we want to come. Everyone's really excited to meet me and to see Edward again (cause they missed him the last time the Cullens visited).

Carlisle and Esme made a big deal that they made plans to spend the day at home with each other. I don't need a two doctors at my beck and call anymore, I guess. Edward's enough. I'm excited to get back to the US, where at least everybody speaks English, but I don't want to leave if Jake is wandering around Italy, confused, hurt, and aimless. Hopefully, we'll be able to find him before we leave.

* * *

AN: Yay, Bella's getting out of the hospital soon! I'm excited to meet the Denali clan, and I hope all of you are too! And Jake is coming up; I promise. Very shortly. I'll give you a hint: he's not in Italy. The Volturi dropped him off much closer to home.

Please review. I really, really like it when y'all review. I have review parties for each and every one I get.


	7. October 5, 6:17 PM

AN: Sorry that update took a little longer than expected. I'm trying this whole thing where I attempt to get into college. It's weird. Bella's got the right idea. It's easier just to have your boyfriend kill you. Well, alright. Here's the update.

* * *

October 5, 2007  
6:17 PM

There is a God! I'm sure of it, now. I'm being discharged today. I can sit normally in a wheelchair, so Carlisle says I'm well enough to sit on a plane. Alice brought me five suitcases full of clothing, which she says will fit me perfectly. She wants to get me more once we get to Alaska. I can't fathom ever wearing that many clothes, but it makes her happy, so I don't care.

Edward is a wealth of exuberance. He finally seems genuinely excited about having me around forever. Maybe this whole Volturi experience has woken him up a little bit. He's making jokes and giving me little nips and playful growls. I am so powerfully in love with him. I don't know how I was ever able to be angry with him.

He hasn't said anything about the wedding, but I think I'm going to mention it soon. I want to be married to him. Especially now that I'm not going back to Forks, my reservations are gone. I want to be his wife. I want to belong to him forever.

Emmett and Rosalie have completely scoured the city and have found absolutely no trace of Jacob. Edward swears we will find him, but that they're convinced he's no longer in Italy. His word is good enough for me.

I'm in this sort of high. There's this lightness inside me—a happiness, pure unadulterated joy. I'm so close to my dream, a life with Edward Cullen. Everyday, spent with him and his family—happy, content, not wanting for anything. I can taste it. It's so close.

I'm not afraid to become a monster anymore. I'm ready for it. The Volturi have shown me the horrible side of vampirism, but that's not the side I'm joining. I'm joining the peaceful, loving, vegetarian side—and I'm not going to slip once. Not one life will be lost at my hands. I know it will be hard, but I've been given a pretty original perspective. I know, first hand, what it's like to be a victim at the hands of a vampire. I will not put anyone through that.

Jasper came in with Alice today. I hadn't seen him since August. He didn't come close, but he'd wanted to say, "Hi." I'm excited to get to know him better without the barrier of his constant hunger to come between us. I'll be able to get close to him once Edward's changed me. I'm really excited about that. After all, I feel like Alice is already my sister; I should really get to know her soul mate.

I heard Edward talking on the phone with Tanya. She sounds really nice, and is thrilled that she's finally going to meet me. Irina's a little annoyed at me, still, for provoking Laurent's death, but Edward says she'll get over it.

Esme told me about their our house in Alaska. It's down the street from the Denali clan—three floors, Edward's room is at the top of the second story staircase, next to Alice's. Carlisle loves the Alaska house, because there's a huge forest surrounding it, which connects the Cullens and Denalis. She says I'll love the library on the third floor—almost every book ever written. Jasper spends a lot of time there.

I feel like a part of the family. Finally. I can't wait. Alaska, Cullens, Eternity--here I come!

* * *

AN: Okay, then, readers. Let's go to Alaska. Two more chapters until Jake (I think, maybe one!) Next chapter, meeting the Denali clan, then, a night of Bella's "lasts"...or so she thinks. Confused? Good! Come back for answers.

and review!!!


	8. October 10, 9:55 PM

AN: It's an update. Thanks so much for all your reviews and alerts and favorites or even just reading. It means a lot. Here's the chapter where we get to meet the Denali's. Here's all the info Stephenie's given us about them, so that you can all understand more easily:

"The Denali coven keeps getting cut out of the story. For the record, they are Tanya, Kate (Katrina) and Irina–originally Slavic, and they think of themselves as sisters, though they are not biologically so. They are all almost a thousand years old. It was just the three of them for many centuries, and then Carmen and Eleazar joined them, attracted by their peaceful lifestyle. Tanya, Kate, and Irina had an interesting path that led them to "vegetarianism": they are the originals behind the myths of the succubus. Their fondness for human men eventually led them to feel remorse for their victims, and they slowly trained themselves to resist human blood. They still like men, though. Kate and Eleazar are "talented" like Edward and Alice, but I'm not saying more than that. (Tanya gets a brief cameo in my Twilight-from-Edward's-perspective). Eleazar is a man. He and Carmen (his true love) are both Spanish, only three to four hundred years old, and they joined the succubus sisters later on. Eleazar has quite a history, which, right now, only shows up in Forever Dawn." (Twilight Lexicon, Personal Correspondence 1)

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October 10, 2007 

9:55 PM

The Denalis are fantastic!

We arrived a few days ago after what felt like the longest flight in history, during which I vomited a total of five times. Five times! And of course Edward sat by me through the whole thing, stroking my hair and crooning to me that it was okay. Emmett kept laughing from the cock-pit, though.

Oh, yes, we took the Cullen's own, private plane, which they took turns flying, because, apparently, all of them know how to do that. Emmett did the bulk of the job, though, because he likes it more than the others. Edward says that they'd already sent their cars to Alaska when they began moving around to look for me, so he would not be without his precious Volvo and Alice her new Porsche. (I was concerned.) However, they were 'unable' to find my dear truck, so I would have to get another car when we got to Alaska. Of course, this is ridiculous, because I have never heard of the Cullens being 'unable' to do anything. Whatever, he's giving me eternal life; I guess I can get a new car if it makes him happy.

We got to Alaska around 2 in the morning, so I was asleep. I woke up on a brown couch in Edward's Alaskan room with both covens staring at me like I was an exotic cat. "Good morning," Edward was laughing at the expressions on most of their faces--I guess they were all pretty stunned to see a human sleeping (with the exception of Carlisle), a phenomenon Edward had become all too familiar with, "Welcome home."

Tanya introduced herself first. She threw her slim but strong arms around me as if we'd known each other for years, then kissed me on both cheeks and held my face in her hands while starring into my eyes before glancing at Edward out of the corner of her eye and whispering just loud enough for me to hear, "She's perfect."

_She _was perfect. She wore dark jeans and a simple black tube top with a diamond necklace wrapped loosely around her collar. Her strawberry-blonde hair was elegant and full, falling carelessly on her shoulders and framing her beautiful face with loose curls. Her eyes were an intense gold; she'd fed recently. Her skin was hard and white. Her lips full and almost pouting. She was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen--and I had seen an abnormal amount of very beautiful things.

And then, right behind her, were two equally stunning individuals. In smooth voices, they introduced themselves. Katrina on the left; Irina on the right. Both of them were blonde as well, although Katrina's was a darker shade than Irina's. They each smiled at me, although I knew Irina was holding a grudge. The three of them pushed Edward from the couch and sat with me. Tanya held my right hand while Katrina held my left. I felt like a princess. Tanya told me how grateful they were to me for finally making Edward happy. "I thought the very phrase was completely paradoxical, but, here you are, and just look at him, beaming like kid on his birthday," she smiled at me.

After a little while of talking to them, Katrina asked me if I was really ready to be a part of the family. I smiled a little smile and told her, "Yes." At this, Irina seemed to warm up a little bit. Edward explained later: Katrina could make people tell the truth. It was her special talent. Irina had decided that she would welcome me if I was truly ready to welcome them.

All day, the lot of us sat around Edward's room and talked, mostly about me. The Denali sisters asked me a million and a half questions--not interrogation though, just curiosity. Even Edward learned some new things about me. Hell, I learned new things about me.

Around dinner, which, along with breakfast and lunch, was made for me by Edward, who was trying to prove his chef expertise, two more Denalis showed up. Carmen and Eleazar. They were both slightly darker skinned than the others and had jet black hair. Both of them were, of course, beautiful. As soon as they came in, Carmen rushed towards me and apologized for not being there sooner, but Eleazar hadn't fed in a while and was concerned that his self-control might be hindered by my, ugh, particularly alluring smell...

Anywho, Eleazar seemed more than fine around me. Jasper looked a little jealous. He came right up to me and gave me a hug. Then he looked at me for a moment, before turning very somber and saying, "You've had to make decisions you should be much older to make. You were overwhelmed." He had a thick Spanish accent. It was intoxicating.

I must have looked at him like he was crazy, because Alice laughed and cut in, "Eleazar sees dreams."

I opened my eyes wide, first at her, then, at Eleazar, finally, at Edward, who was smiling. "I've been wanting you and Eleazar to meet for a long time," he said, immodest.

Carmen swatted the back of Edward's head, and I felt the blood rush up to my cheeks. "El enjoys humans almost as much as they do," she said to me, indicating the Denali sisters. Edward had told me very little about them in regards to them enjoying the company of human men--a lot of human men--but I could put some things together in my head. "He doesn't get to use his talents on us," she smiled at him. I could tell they were together. They looked at each other like Carlisle and Esme did.

We continued talking for a while. Edward shared with them the details of our romance in its early stages. He talked about our Biology class and lunch and Tyler Crowley and Port Angeles and our meadow.

It hurt to hear the names of all those places and people I would never see again. They suddenly became all I wanted. Edward, of course, noticed, when I suddenly became a little quieter and began giving one or two word answers to things.

"He compared you to heroine?"

"Yeah."

"Your father never found him in your bed?"

"No."

"Was prom as bad as you'd thought it would be?"

"I guess not."

Edward looked into my eyes and asked if I was tired. I gave him a little smile and nodded. He ushered the two clans of vampires out of the room, and shut the door behind them.

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AN: BIG chapter next, something I didn't even see coming. Big hints about what's going on with Jake and a HUGE step for Bella and Edward. Then a night of lasts for Bella, and then Jacob. I'm sure of it. Kinda...

Oh, and btw, I know a bunch of vampire powers don't work on Bella's mind and there could be some debate on whether or not Eleazar's dream reading talent should work. I think it should, because I think it's similar to Alice's talent. She sees what will happen, he sees what has happened...in Bella's head. I know its a bit shaky, but hey, I'm not Stephenie Meyer. Go with me on this. Plus, how much fun will it be for Edward to finally see what Bella dreams!

Please review! It's been scientifically proven that people who review stories are 10 more likely to win the lottery in their lifetimes than non-reviewers, and why sully your chances?


	9. October 11, 2:30 AM

AN: Alright, well, I promised you big. Here's big. It may seem sudden, but I think a lot of big things happen on whims and seem unplanned. Life's more fun that way. Enjoy...

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October 11, 2007

2:30 AM

I thought the night was over. I really did. None of this was planned.

Edward and I had talked a little after he'd gotten rid of the rest of the family. "Overwhelmed?" he'd cradled me in his arms. "I know the Denalis can be a little intense. They're excited to meet you."

I hadn't said anything, just wrapped my arms around his neck and let him pull me into his lap. He'd leaned his forehead on mine, "Homesick?"

I'd shrugged, "I thought I'd get to say goodbye."

He'd looked very serious at that and kissed me gently, then pulled away, "I know, love. I'm sorry."

I fell asleep pretty easily, tired from the day. Edward's couch was more comfortable than the hospital bed by a long shot. I had a dream about Jake.

He was running through a snow-covered forest in wolf form--hungry, fast, crazed. I was running after him, calling out his name, trying to get him to stop. He was scared of something, but I couldn't tell what. And then Edward was there, looking kind and compassionate. He knelt down beside Jake and held a hand out to him. Jake seemed apprehensive, but came towards him anyway. It was so strange; as he got closer and closer to Edward, Jacob seemed to, well, shrink. By the time Edward could reach him, he was not a werewolf, but a real wolf, only coming up to Edward's knees.

Jacob whimpered and howled as if he was in pain, and Edward pet his fur and stroked his muzzle. I simply stood in awe. Edward lifted Jake easily, and Jake curled up against him. Edward looked at me, finally, "He's gonna be okay, Bella."

Then I woke up.

I don't know how it happened then. I had a surge of energy. Edward was by my feet, reading something in the dark.

I blurted out everything. I told him that I wanted to marry him and that I wasn't afraid to become a vampire and that I wanted him, badly, then and there. I know, call it crazy teenage hormones.

He was smartly hesitant, unsure if I was serious. I held onto him tightly, smashing my lips into his. Then I pulled back for a moment, "I need you, Edward. I know what I said before, that I wanted to wait, but, I don't know. I can't wait anymore. I need you right now. All of you."

And that was it. It happened. It really, really happened. He was so great about it, of course. And it felt so good, better than I thought it would. It was like magic. It was like heaven. No, screw that, it was better than heaven. And, yeah, it hurt a little, plus there was defiantly some discomfort with all the Alec memories, but he was careful and made me feel so comfortable, as if he had done this hundreds of times before. Ugh, that didn't sound right, but, whatever. I don't care! It happened! I slept with Edward Cullen! I had sex with Edward Cullen! I made love to Edward Cullen! Holy crow! Holy crap! Holy freaking shit!

PS. We talked after. We're getting married...very soon. ;)

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AN: Holy crow! The dream is pretty significant, as Bella's usually are. Fun chapter next, then a serious one with Jacob Black! Hoping to update reletively soon.

Reviewers get cupcakes!


	10. November 11, 12:47 AM

AN: Hello, readers. I've been sick for a few days so...Update!

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November 11, 2007

12:47 AM

I'm getting married tomorrow...er...today. Geez! I'm getting married today. That still doesn't sound right. I'm getting married. I'm going to be a wife. I'm going to have a husband. All these words sound so foreign and yet...

I had my so-called bachelorette party today, although it was drastically different from the traditional male strippers and facials parties I'd heard of. Instead, it was a day of lasts for me. Alice explained when she woke me up at six o'clock in the morning, "We're going to do everything that you'll never be able to do again. It'll be like a bon voyage to your humanity."

And so it was. I had my last meals (filet mignon and chocolate cake), my last cry (The Notebook), my last (hopefully) blush (baby pictures, who knows how they got them), and my last--warm--er, copulation, (although I have been repeatedly reminded that there will be many more colder copulations in the future). Edward's staying with me until I fall asleep, so I'm trying to stay awake. Alice is making him not be here when I wake up tomorrow...today, Jesus...because of some stupid 'groom cannot see the bride the day of the wedding' rule.

Oh, dear Lord, I'm a bride. I'm going to be a bride. Why doesn't it feel real? Why don't those words seem to fit?

I've bee dreaming about Edward and Jake a lot, similar to before. Jake's not always a wolf, but they're always nice to each other. One time, we were at Edward's and my meadow. I was sitting with Alice, who was braiding my hair, while I watched Edward and Jacob play the most intense game of Frisbee I'd ever seen. They would throw it miles away and would only take mere seconds to retrieve it. They seemed really happy. Another time, the entire Cullen clan was sitting around a table, eating dinner (mind you, clearly a dream), when Jake came in, sweaty and shirtless, breathing heavily but smiling, and Esme scolded him to wipe his feet and sit down.

I haven't the faintest idea what they mean.

My stomach's doing flip-flops, and Edward keeps laughing at me when he hears it. My eyelids are getting really heavy, but I don't want to sleep. I don't want to wake up and have him not be here. I know the whole ordeal is a positive step for our relationship, but I can't help but be reminded of all the negative steps that involved his absence in my waking.

All right, I guess it's time to give in. I've got to get some sleep if I don't want all the pictures they're going to take of me tomorrow to haunt me for eternity. I don't want to dream of Jacob tonight, no matter how happy the dream. Tonight, I only want to see Edward--my husband.

Geez.

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Spoiler Warning: Enter Jacob, Stage left, cause things are more dramatic when there's a wedding dress involved. 


	11. November 12, 4:45 PM

AN: Finally! Here's Jacob Black! It's a long one, so I'll let you get to it...

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November 12, 2007 

4:45 PM

I didn't get married.

In all the commotion of the past few days, it occurred to me that I hadn't written about any of it. God, I don't even know where to start.

Well, we found Jacob or rather, Jacob found us. It was early in the morning, not, like, as Edward and I were saying our vows--nothing that dramatic. Alice was pulling at my hair and fixing my dress when I heard that howl. Now, granted, it wasn't as though I'd had enough experience with his howl to know that it was Jake right away, exactly, but something inside me jumped at the sound.

Alice got very panicked as she usually did when the future disappeared, and I ran out the door, still in my dress, to see the cause of the noise. Edward wasn't home, then. He was hunting with the rest of the males who were not allowed to be home all day, Alice's orders.

I'd had another dream the night before but not with Jacob. I had been incredibly hungry, my mouth dry and aching as Edward held a baby--a newborn (no pun intended). He was smiling and laughing with the tiny thing, and I felt an incredible feeling of compassion towards it but an ounce of jealousy. Then, I'd woken and found Alice impatient to start her torture.

Anyway, outside, as Alice was scolding me for endangering the second dress she'd bought me, I saw him. I knew it was him. I just knew. His red-brown fur was mangled and dirty. He was limping through the woods next to the Cullen's house., whimpering and letting out little, meek howls of pain.

I was reminded of my first dream of Jacob since my stay at Volterra. Just like in my head, he wasn't a werewolf. He was...a wolf. Like, a real one. He came up to my thigh. I whispered his name, and he looked up at me--no longer wandering aimlessly but running swiftly towards me and Alice with an undeniable glint in his eyes.

Alice and I both stood in shock as Jacob came over to us, panting and whimpering, desperate. I bent down as he approached us and held his tired face in my hands. I looked in his eyes--it was Jacob Black. No question.

Tears found their way to my eyes, and I peered up at Alice and asked what happened to him. I knew the Volturi had power, but how on earth could they make Jacob a wolf? And _why_? Alice just shrugged.

Her thoughts of distress and of Jacob brought the guys back within the hour. By this time, Alice had insisted that I change out of my dress, as she didn't think I would be using it today. She stayed with Jake as I changed.

Everyone was up in arms about what to do with him. The Denali were thoroughly confused about the whole situation as it seemed no one had cared to fill them in on the Cullens temporary truce with the Quileutes for my sake. Irina seemed particularly disturbed. Carlisle was all intrigue--focusing on how it was biologically possible to change someone's DNA so thoroughly to make them an animal. Jasper mostly comforted Alice, continually sending her waves of calm and reassurance.

Edward was very quiet. Everyone had given up on the wedding happening that day. he was trying to be stoic and not show his obvious pain. He verified that the wolf we were all fixated on was, indeed, Jacob. He helped reluctantly, explaining through Jake what had happened. I was thrilled Jake was okay, and let him lay his tired head in my lap to tell his whole story.

From what Edward said, Jacob was captured by the Volturi a little outside of Forks. They, at first, shocked him continuously to get him to phase, then beat him when he rarely could control himself enough to phase back. He was pushed into the street on the night of my abduction, and while he was unconscious from my truck plowing into him, he was operated on the first time. He didn't know what they were trying to do, but whatever it was, it seemed to have failed. They had him chained down in a cage only slightly larger than his frame. A few days later, they operated again, this time, he was fully conscious for the event. Eventually, after hours of surgery, he passed out from pain.

Edward got very quiet when he talked about who exactly had tortured him. His story was not very different from mine. More of his pack took precedence over the Cullens, but they made appearances, especially Carlisle and Edward.

He doesn't know how they did it, but he woke up in the body before us. He was left alone, without food or clean water for days and then tempted continuously with victims the Volturi for whatever reason were not interested in. He said he never gave in--not once. Apparently, he said that a few times, and Edward started to get upset.

Jacob said he didn't know why they let him go, and he didn't know exactly where he was. They'd knocked him out and left him in the middle of an alien forest. He couldn't smell anything familiar. For a while, he just wandered around. He ate whatever he could find, trying to figure out 1-what they did to him and 2-how could he get home?

Eventually, he caught the scent of something familiar. Edward just said, "One of us." But Jacob's gruff reaction to that made me think his phrasing was more severe. Then, Jake started looking for the scent. Then...he found it.

Everyone was mourning, in a way, knowing that Jacob's situation took precedence over Edward's and my wedding, which we could technically have whenever we wanted, but still feeling the loss of excitement for something that they felt obligated to care about.

I was trying to balance, nothing new there. I was exuberant for Jake. He'd finally found safety, and I knew we would work hard to make sure he was comfortable while Carlisle worked out his, er, condition. But I was terribly sad for Edward, who'd already had to give up a lot for Jake--more specifically, my relationship with Jake. He barely said two words to me and they weren't honest ones. He was reassuring that Jake would be all right and pretending to be happy that he'd been found. I knew he was crushed.

Esme and I cleaned Jake up, and he fell asleep. Carmen and Jasper volunteered to go buy some food for him. Carlisle checked Jake over in his sleep and was rather frustrated to find that there was nothing medically wrong with him, accept a long scar on his belly.

Edward took me up to our room so that I could get some sleep. I had a lot of trouble with that. I kept waking up to find him starring up at the ceiling, the most incredible pain in his eyes. If he could have cried, he would have.

I started crying when I tried to explain to him that Jake's presence didn't change a thing concerning us and that we would still get married. He seemed a little comforted by that, but mostly focused on how much he didn't mean to upset me.

This morning, I woke up with Alice and Tonya in my room, as Edward was with Carlisle and Jake, trying to work out what was going on. He hasn't come home yet. I've felt the majority of the day watching TV and feeling guilty.

I don't know what my dreams were talking about. I don't see any Frisbee in the future for Jake and Edward. Hopefully, we'll be able to get him back to normal and send him back to his pack.

I didn't realize how much I needed to marry him. I'd known he needed to marry me, but I didn't realize until I couldn't, how much I needed too. It's no longer something I want to do for him or I feel comfortable doing. It's something essential.

* * *

AN: I know this chapter might seem a little biased towards Edward seeing as he was not tortured and turned into an animal, but for some reason, I found myself feeling really bad for Edward here. What can I say? Sometimes emotions don't make sense. 


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